Jumping

I don't really know what to write here, except that I need to write something.  I refer back to this post wherein I described a fear of L doing a little "jumping".  Those fears have become reality.  She chose to not catch herself.  We can no longer catch her if she is unwilling for us to do so.  As Hubby and I deal with free-falling into a reality we did not choose, and one we fought mightily against, we wait for a phone call that she is now ready to be caught.   We are not sure where that phone call will come from, nor if it will in fact come at all.

How do parents deal with these types of situations? I'm still not sure.  I never, ever saw myself in this type of position.  I don't mean to be cryptic, but I really don't want to "air it all out" here.  I count myself blessed to know that many friends are praying for us and for her.  That is all anyone can do at this point.   Yet, who wants to be in a position where YOU are the one being prayed for, and worried about?  I don't want to be.  I'd rather be praying for someone else. Surely that is one of the keys.  That is what the gospel teaches.

We'll just have to wait a little while.....or, maybe a really long one this time.

Satisfying Sunday

I feel very blessed tonight, as the weekend ends.  Do not interpret that as a weekend of great things, or easy things, or that any problems went away.  Quite the opposite.  But, the Lord blessed me with strength and with more inspiration.

Friday afternoon I had an email from my visiting teacher who gave "it" to me straight.  You know, the "it" that you don't want to hear but that you should anyway.  She is wise beyond her years, and took a risk.  She followed the Holy Spirit and told me things I needed to deal with.  She blesses my life.

I attended a session in the temple with my dear friend Diane on Friday afternoon.  She is great to just listen.   She doesn't push, doesn't give unsolicited advice.  She asked no questions about the challenges I currently face, and yet she knows well what they are.  She knew I did not want to discuss them - she followed the Spirit.  She is very wise and full of a fabulous sense of humor.  What did I do before she moved into the area?  And, I mean that, Diane. 

The temple is a place for learning, pondering, and for counting blessings.  I often don't learn a whole lot there, and I often come away feeling like I should have but that I messed up somewhere in that process.   This time was different - I was instructed by the Spirit.  Answers to prayers were given. 

There was a lot of difficulty with a certain "drama queen" in my life.  Crises could have occurred.  The Spirit walked by my side and helped me walk her through some great difficulty.  Tonight, things are calm.

As I serve in my church calling, I often visit the Relief Society lessons of other wards on Sundays.  Last night at the last minute, I decided that today I would attend one in a nearby town.  The lesson was given by their Relief Society president and it was entitled, "Remember Lot's Wife".   Her lesson was about moving forward and not looking back.  I needed to hear that today.  I was again blessed with the Spirit confirming these truths to me.  I was also inspired by the testimonies given by several sisters.

I try to chat with other sisters in our stake when I visit their meetings.  I spoke with two women I had never met before who have no idea how they blessed my life today.   They thanked me for things that I had done in my calling - things that I had hoped would affect someone, but had no way of knowing if they had.  Those are the "pay-off" moments.  Those moments are humbling and gratifying.  Those moments make us grateful to be in His service.  I am blessed.  I am so grateful.

Inspiration Road

I drive a lot for my job.  I go pretty  much all over Maryland except for the Eastern Shore.  I have seen some beautiful countryside.  Now that I have a GPS, I go on roads that I have never seen before because I know I won't get lost.  That has been great fun for me. 

There is one road in particular that has great meaning to me.  I drive on it several times a month.  It is curvy and windy, quiet, and no matter the season, it is always beautiful.  About two years ago, while seeking and needing some important help and inspiration from my Heavenly Father, I was driving on that road, turned off my radio, and just thought, prayed, pleaded  and listened.  Answers came.  Guidance was given that was difficult to follow, but it was undeniably clear that it was my answer. Now, every time I drive there, I turn off my radio just in case there is something I need to listen to and learn. 

Yesterday, I drove on that road.   I was again at a point where I needed some clear guidance from Him.  I turned off the radio, pleaded again for much needed comfort and guidance.  Answers and solutions came to my mind and I once again felt the love of my Heavenly Father. 

I felt very blessed to know that I can ask and get answers.  I love my Inspiration Road.

Dear Anonymous:

Great point - thank you for your comment.  I did NOT update everyone about the carpet and flooring, and how it went when "she" visited.  Thanks to "anonymous", I shall do so now.

I decided to just get the two kids' bedrooms and the bathroom flooring done before "she" came.  I allowed enough time for painting the master bedroom before the carpet guys came again to put those rooms' carpet down.  Well, due to busy lives and craziness, the painting never got done before the carpet came.  I just couldn't get to it.  Ugh.  It is still the same ugly outdated green.  BUT, I LOVE the carpet!  It is  a lovely shade of brown - better than the OLD brown.

OH, and "she"?  Well, her visit was lovely.  A very nice girl - I enjoyed her very much. 

Graduation

I am about to walk out the door and drive to my baby's high school graduation.   I am not ready for this.  Ok, I am clothed and have a fabulous skirt on - and my hair even looks great for this horribly humid day.  But I am not ready.  She thinks she is ready, but I know she is not.  I probably thought I was ready back in 1902 when I graduated (no, that's not a typo - tee hee).   Since Aspergers is so very prevalent in her dear life, she thinks that she is 18 and now a graduate and by golly, she is ready to make ALL decisions and do whatever she wants.  That scares me.  It should scare her.  Actually, I think it does and so she is not so calm, cool and collected these days.  I'm not either. 

Her dad reminded me of how, when she was a toddler, she would climb and climb to the top of the jungle gyms with no fear.  We would have to stand underneath her and with great fear and anticipation, we would be there to catch her if she fell.  We were there to save her from herself, from her thinking that she could handle anything.  Well, we are back there again.  We are ready to stand ready to catch her.  This time, she doesn't want us there.  This time, the stakes are higher.  This time, the consequences could be more than a scratch or a bruise.  This time, we have to pray that we have done enough, and turn it over to Heavenly Father in prayer.  

This time, she may have to catch herself.  We'll have to wait and see if she will. 

Let the Wild Paint Start

OK, so I think I scared everyone off with the last ranting.  Sorry - I am calmer now.  Lara's suggestion was well-taken.  I postponed the carpet for our bedroom until the 7th of June.  I am taking time to plan the paint, etc.  The other two rooms will get carpet this Tuesday, which we can deal with.  Those rooms don't need paint for now.  I will then paint our room myself.  Yep - me.myself. and I.  I got a paint estimate that was more than the carpet, so I will do it myself.

  In fact, in preparation,  I am painting this - the only room in our house that has NEVER gotten any attention and still has the icky builder beige on it.  Our teeny master bath that I hate.  I think I have allowed MAYBE one or two friends to ever enter it's doorway.  It IS Gross:

NO cupboards, shelves, or cabinets.  What builder designs a room like that?  Craziness. I have plans, though.  That's why I'm showing it BEFORE.   I took out everything to prepare for painting.   Ok, a bottle or two remain.

Here is the best part, though:

NEW FLOORING!

Yep - lovely stone.  Ok, not really stone.  Fake Stone.  It's Vinyl made to LOOK like stone.  I love it.
So, we are getting there.  Baby steps.  I should be gardening.  Ahhh... my little gardens.  Haven't done a thing to those boxes except let the tomato plants regrow from last year.  Great.  I should have been painting during the BLIZZARDS!  Silly me.

I"ll have to wait a while....

Carpet Crazy

So, I am stressing.  Seriously stressing.  I should have talked to Kellie before I made a move.  Kellie was stressing over her oldest son and his new fiancee coming for the weekend.  She has great wisdom.  I started stressing a couple of weeks ago about B's "friend girl" coming (I hope she doesn't read this blog yet.... :) ).  Our house is about 16 years old and the carpet upstairs is horrible and old and needs replacing.   When I found out "she" was coming, I got this BRIGHT idea that I needed to finally get new carpet for the upstairs.  Great idea.  I even picked it out quickly!  Unheard of for me.  I even paid for half of it already.  It is written in stone.

So, then I get another GREAT idea that our bedroom needs painting.  It really does and has needed it for a while.  I thought - OOOH, I'll get a estimate for having it painted.  It's kind of a dark color currently.  Yea - the painting would cost more than the carpet.  So, I continue to stress.

I mean, who gets new carpet FIRST before painting?  I have spilled many a paint can in my days on new carpeting.  The first time was in high school when I helped the mom of my boyfriend paint walls at her daycare center.  Yes - Clutzo tripped over a HUGE 5 gallon paint can and.....you can imagine.  Embarrassment and carpet cleaners called.  But I digress....

So yes, now I am stressing over the fact that I will have to do the painting.  I don't want to do it, nor do I have the time before "she" comes and before the carpet is scheduled.  Hubby says to breathe and to quit worrying about it and just get the carpet.

BUT, just the carpet - do you know what that entails??  We have a small upstairs.  There is no way that we can move all the S T U F F  from 3 bedrooms (one with a large sitting room with all my craft, sewing, and office S T U F F ) out of the way for the carpet guys to come all in one day.  I need to divide it in to two days.   But, then, which room goes first?  And, how do we get it all back together before "she" comes? 

And, besides all THAT, I don't even know what colors I would paint!   Who paints when they don't have the whole plan together of the "look" they are going for?  I don't have " a look" decided on.   What the heck was I thinking??

And, I am also thinking, "she" really wouldn't have cared either.

So why did I??

I thought being 50 and all, I would have figured this out and not be losing my mind.  Wrong.

(And, if "she" is reading this, please don't tell me for about 5 years....if "she" is still reading then).