Happy 2013! Yes, Happy!

I have had many thoughts over the past few days about this new year.  I am sure you have as well.  Sorry my last post was a downer - just call me Debbie - the Downer, that is.  I am working on that!

2012 was a year of growth and challenges, of joy and fun.  The best things about 2012 would be:

~We were blessed with a wonderful vacation with all five of us to Emerald Isle, North Carolina.  We stayed in a nice home right next to the beach.  We love love loved it.  I'd go back in a heartbeat.

Dang- a few of us are getting chubby.... gotta work on that!

~ I was able to serve the wonderful women of the Columbia Stake in many ways.  One of the most favorite would be planning our Women's Conference held in April.  WOW - what work that was!  Many sisters enjoyed it, and that is the point.

~ I went to "Time out For Women" with my good friends Carrie and Diane.  Tons of fun there, I tell ya!

~I visited Arizona and helped my niece recover from surgery by helping to take care of her little adorable baby girl. She recovered quickly and we had lots of play time!  I loved being with my nieces and nephews and their families.  They are such a joy.

~Hubby and I went on a 28th Wedding Anniversary trip to a lovely place in Virginia.  It was a pleasant get-away together.  L and I went to a family homestead in New York.  See that same blog post for information.

~I finished a couple of quilts.  I should have finished more - I will do that THIS year!

~We spent Thanksgiving with family in Tennessee.  YAY!

~I supported Hubby through two minor surgeries.  He is becoming quite a good patient!

~We worked on a lot of home improvements!  We are almost done with the necessaries.

~I have gotten to play in the Nursery at church on Sundays now for a couple of months.  THAT is pure fun with those little angels - well, except when a few are crying, but they are learning and getting over it and that is a blessing!  They are so dear!

~I discovered The Pioneer Woman.  I shall blog about her soon.  I love her.  I think I mentioned that.

~My teeny small business runs well and grows without me trying to grow it.  That is cool.

~I spent lots of wonderful time with my daughter sewing, laughing, and working on projects.  We gained a love for the TV shows Castle and Dr. Who.  In spite of her health problems, she is still a joy to me in so many ways.

~I discovered SongPop!  Oh my....do you  know that game?  It's too much fun.

~Christmas was fantastic.  B and B were home with us. I got spoiled. Hubby does that.  I love him.

So, there are some blessings!  Wow - I feel so  much better.  I should count the joy more often.  Yes, I think I shall.

But you'll have have to WAIT a little while for more of that!

Twenty about the Twenty Year Old

Today, L turned 20. We are passed the teen years. That makes me feel a bit old, and yet, pretty dang excited!  I've thought a lot today about my/our journey with her, and thought I would list some of them.

My top 20 thoughts today about her, and for her, are these:

1.  What would I do without your laugh?  It is infectious.
2.  You were the most beautiful baby girl - all eyelashes and eyebrows.
3.  You have had to endure way more than most people have to endure in a lifetime.  Some day we'll understand why. It has made us all stronger and more compassionate.  Wow - well, maybe that's why?
4.  I am grateful that we have found things to bond over - various TV shows, Disneyworld, politics, chocolate, singing in the car, kitties, sewing, and rolling our eyes at Dad.
5. I am confident that you will get over your current health problems (for curious readers, see this post, page down to December)  and will be able to move on in your life.
6.  Heavenly Father loves you and DOES watch over you.  He waits for you to reach back to Him.
7.  You have become amazingly skilled at calming yourself down during frustrating conversations and situations.  Few 20 year-olds can do that. I can't even always do that.
8.  I don't get the Anime thing - sorry.  Don't hate me.
9.  Your grandmother, Mayma, would be so very thrilled that you love to sew and to create costumes.  Can we throw in a church skirt or something?  Please?
10.  Your father loves you more than you will ever realize. Please use that power for good.
11.  Your memory for details truly amazes me.
12.  I am so very happy that you embrace being different than most.  It is endearing.  It is admirable.  I still don't get the anime thing, though.
13.  You have the coolest room in the house for your bedroom. You're welcome.
14.  Real life, while much more difficult that the role-play activities that you love, is harder, but better most of the time and worth the hard work to "get it".
15.  My top birthday celebrations for you during your life were Disneyworld, the dress up party when you were 4, and today.  Why today, you ask?  Because you're here and I love you.
16. Routine is your friend.

17.  Don't ever forget Princess Bride, and the Muppets, and Even Stevens, and Hook, and The Bee Movie. And there are more - but I'm forgetting.
18.  Wear your Aspergirl Cape with pride and use it to right the wrongs towards Aspies everywhere.
19.  Miracles brought you to us.  Miracles have kept you with us.  Miracles will take you along your life's path if you let them.
20.  The gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  It has blessed our family many times.  You are one of those blessings. I love you so very, very much.
Mom

It's B - L- O-G-S-P-O-T, again, it's B-L-O-G-S-P-O-T

I woke up at 6 this morning to address more wedding invitations.  While in the process,  I decided to summarize the comedy of errors that we will call the "invitation frustration".  Those of you who have been involved in weddings recently will understand, and maybe for others who long ago were involved in one may have such deep-seated and troubled memories that you will still relate.  Or, perhaps you are very organized and had months to prepare for a wedding, so this may just all seem silly to you.  Fine - feel free to laugh at my insanity.

1.  The bride's mother was so very kind as to rush the order of invitations to me.  I am grateful for that - that is certainly not the frustrating part.

2.  I decided to print our return address on the back of the envelopes from our printer.  Except, I didn't know HOW to do that, and after trying for 3 hours, Hubby came home and did it in 5 minutes.  I hate that.  And yet, I am grateful.

3.Before I started printing it, I couldn't decide whose address to put on the back - what's the protocol?  Is it the bride's?  Is it ours since we're hosting an open house?  But we're inviting a lot of people to the reception in Utah?  What do I do?  If I get a lot of presents here for the kids then I'll have to pay to mail them all out to them wherever they end up (which is another story all in itself, but that is not mine to tell....).  ACK - I ended up putting ours.

4.  Hubby, in his exhaustion from working too many hours, printed about 50 envelopes upside down.... yep.  And, I have messed up more than a few as I've addressed things incorrectly.  I can't find more envelopes for purchase. 

5.  Speaking of addressing envelopes, I decided to do it the hard way - I"m handwriting them all.  My handwriting has a lot to be desired.  Not to offend anyone, but I didn't want to do labels and I figured it would take me just as long to use the printer to input ALL the addresses and then print each one off of some mail merge thing that I don't know how to use.

6.  And, the reason I have to do them all myself is that I have the lists of who gets them on a spreadsheet on my computer.  I of course don't have all the addresses in my Outlook - that would make SENSE.  I am using apps on my phone for church people addresses, and using white pages to find people, and emailing friends on Facebook for their addresses.  Therefore, because of my lack of organization, I am the only one who can sit in front of my computer and write and write and write.  Fabulous.

7.  I forgot to mark down the first 50 or so as "sent" on my spreadsheet, so I keep second-guessing who I sent those to.  I should give a prize to anyone who admits to me that they get two.

8.  I messed up the little paper that has the kids' rsvp information which originally was a "blogspot" addresss.  Yes, BlogSPOT.  I spelled it blogPOST.  I have developed or helped to develop about 10 blogs.  Apparently I have also now developed dyslexia.  The bride sent her invitations out with the address to a site all-together different than the blog that was created, but it was too late for me to do anything about that....

So those of you receiving that little paper, it is BLOGSPOT.  And I have been correcting it with a pen since it was pointed out to me - which of course is probably tacky.  I have to let it go.

9.  How do you address a Bishop's or stake president's family's invitation?  Bishop and Sister?  Bishop and Mrs?  President and Mrs?  President and Sister?  I have no idea.  I didn't buy a book for LDS weddings.  I can't find it online.  So, you bishop wives - just forgive me and let it go if it was wrong. 

10.  My house is a complete disaster.  I haven't had time to really clean it.  Today that is Les's job.

11.  Life cannot be at a standstill while I address envelopes.  I still have my job, my church responsibilities, countless other things that need my attention, and I need to help Les with her issues on a daily basis. 

The bride's mom is equally as harried, if not MORE - she has 6 children still at home who need her attention and is getting ready to go on a long-ago planned trip.  Bless her heart!!  She and I have become friends through texts and Facebook and emails. She is holding up with a great attitude - a good example to me. 

I literally feel like my mind is aging.  I don't like that - I am forgetting so many things.  I can't multi-task in my mind very well anymore. I am forgetting too many things - like paying bills.  I wonder if I will find my brain after this is all over.  I think that is doubtful.  I need some brain vitamins.  Isn't that like Garlique or Ginkobaloba or Fish Oil or something? 

I think that about covers it.  I'm realizing that you dream and think about when your children get married, and hope for things to go smoothly and wonderfully.  I can be a perfectionist, and wanted these envelopes and little cards to be beautiful and wonderful with their rsvp information, etc.  I didn't have time to make mine that way....the engagement is for only about 10 or 11 weeks.  I am certain that friends and family will someday forget about my mistakes.  I sure hope so!  I am sure in the end it will be lovely and a wonderful day for them, and what matters most is that they are being sealed in a temple in which we believe confirms that their marriage will be for eternity. 

I will now stop whining and go "call the Waahhhmmmbulance", to quote one of my favorite movies, "The Kid". 

I'll have to wait a little while for the calm.....

Inspiration Road

I drive a lot for my job.  I go pretty  much all over Maryland except for the Eastern Shore.  I have seen some beautiful countryside.  Now that I have a GPS, I go on roads that I have never seen before because I know I won't get lost.  That has been great fun for me. 

There is one road in particular that has great meaning to me.  I drive on it several times a month.  It is curvy and windy, quiet, and no matter the season, it is always beautiful.  About two years ago, while seeking and needing some important help and inspiration from my Heavenly Father, I was driving on that road, turned off my radio, and just thought, prayed, pleaded  and listened.  Answers came.  Guidance was given that was difficult to follow, but it was undeniably clear that it was my answer. Now, every time I drive there, I turn off my radio just in case there is something I need to listen to and learn. 

Yesterday, I drove on that road.   I was again at a point where I needed some clear guidance from Him.  I turned off the radio, pleaded again for much needed comfort and guidance.  Answers and solutions came to my mind and I once again felt the love of my Heavenly Father. 

I felt very blessed to know that I can ask and get answers.  I love my Inspiration Road.

Graduation

I am about to walk out the door and drive to my baby's high school graduation.   I am not ready for this.  Ok, I am clothed and have a fabulous skirt on - and my hair even looks great for this horribly humid day.  But I am not ready.  She thinks she is ready, but I know she is not.  I probably thought I was ready back in 1902 when I graduated (no, that's not a typo - tee hee).   Since Aspergers is so very prevalent in her dear life, she thinks that she is 18 and now a graduate and by golly, she is ready to make ALL decisions and do whatever she wants.  That scares me.  It should scare her.  Actually, I think it does and so she is not so calm, cool and collected these days.  I'm not either. 

Her dad reminded me of how, when she was a toddler, she would climb and climb to the top of the jungle gyms with no fear.  We would have to stand underneath her and with great fear and anticipation, we would be there to catch her if she fell.  We were there to save her from herself, from her thinking that she could handle anything.  Well, we are back there again.  We are ready to stand ready to catch her.  This time, she doesn't want us there.  This time, the stakes are higher.  This time, the consequences could be more than a scratch or a bruise.  This time, we have to pray that we have done enough, and turn it over to Heavenly Father in prayer.  

This time, she may have to catch herself.  We'll have to wait and see if she will. 

Reacting to "Reactionary"

This morning L informed me that she joined a certain club at school.  Today would be the first meeting during 4th period.  She spoke it to  me calmly as if it was a meeting of a little quilting group or a group to discuss the scriptures or something.  I assure you it was not.

All the parenting skills I have worked SO very hard to attain went out the window.  While she was away at the school last year to help us all cope with her challenges, we had intensive parent training, which I have mentioned before.  My voice got louder, my breathing quickened, my emotions came to the surface.  I went back to the OLD me.  Ugh.  Hate that.

Rest assured -we worked through it.  We got back to "baseline" and became "regulated" once again.  She forgave me for over-reacting.  I mean, come on - it wasn't a club to blow up the world or anything.  It was, however, one that I would not choose for her.

Fortunately by the end of the conversation, she was saying, "hmm....maybe I won't go.  Maybe you are right".  Music to a mother's ears.  Either way, she is old enough to choose.  She has been taught.  She knows.  Now the ball is in her court.

After this episode, as I beat myself up for a few minutes, I thought, "AHHH.... I was SO REACTIONARY".   Reactionary?  Where have I heard that word before?  I thought I had heard it from former therapists who were teaching me to NOT overreact to things.  I decided to look it up at dictionary.com.

Here is the definition they give:

adjective

1.	of, pertaining to, marked by, or favoring reaction, esp. extreme conservatism or rightism in politics; opposing political or social change.

 

I then looked up several other dictionaries.  They all pretty much said the same things. 

So, because I am a political-thinking person, I had to then evaluate my politics!  Am I reactionary?  Hmm....

I am definitely opposed to some types of change.  I am against anything that takes our country down a socialist or radical road.  I am against things that take us away from God, believing that this country was founded upon God's principles.  So does that mean that reactionary is the opposite of radical?  I don't view myself as extreme.   

Maybe, just maybe, there is a radical left-wing conspiracy to change all the dictionaries in the world to make the word "reactionary" have an extremely negative political connotation.

Just teasing ya.

What is your personal definition to reactionary?  Do you see these definitions as correct, based on your background and experience?

Future Visits of the Mom

B leaves today to go back to college.  I have loved his visit more than I can express.

However, it has caused the following ponderings.

When my kids grow up and move out permanently, I am going to visit their homes and will do the following:

unplug cords and lamps so I can charge my computer and my phone and my ipod.

break their toilets so they won't flush.

be sure to plant a money tree in their back yard.

fix meals and leave all my stuff out.

rearrange the furniture to suit my needs and comforts.

take their car to get my stuff done.

sleep in a different room every night so I can surprise them in the morning.

use my bed as a "desk" so I HAVE to sleep in a different room every night.

use their library cards to check out 8 million movies, cds, etc.

go to the grocery store with them so they can buy me tons of great stuff - and I will kindly leave them all that I cannot finish.

leave lots of my collectibles and ask them to store them for me for about....forever.

tease each family member individually to the point that everyone is kept guessing.

skype into the wee hours of the morning, laughing uproariously.

give each family member lots of love and attention, and won't visit friends because I will really just want to enjoy precious family time.

When my kids grow up and move out permanently, I will miss them every minute of every day.

Christmas Changes

Should family Christmas traditions change?  I'm not sure, but I think some of ours are changing without my permission.  How does that happen?

I love advent count-downs to Christmas.  One of my favorites is made from little stockings with stars and numbers.  I made it with lots of love and care for my little ones about 13 years ago.  Each year I carefully chose the candies to go in each stocking, and when they came home from school, we would all take fun moments together to peer inside and get our treat for the day.  Well, for the 4th year leading up to Christmas, B is not even here (do 21- year- olds care about such things anyway?).  L didn't care if it was up or not.  Hubby wasn't a bit sad about it not being included this year.  We always buy one of those cheesy chocolate count-down things you can find at the party store.  Didn't buy one this year.

Every year we go to the Messiah Sing Along.  It has always been a birthday gift to Hubby.  It is his all-time favorite family thing to do.  We actually started attending years ago before our children were born.  L didn't want to go - adamantly did NOT want to go.  Do you make a 17 year old go?  We didn't-oh, and she had a REALLY bad headache on the day of the performance.  Hmm.... Hubby was very sad about all of that, and so was I.  I tried to be brave and assure him that things change and it's ok-but I wasn't really feelin' it.

We have lived away from family our entire married lives.  About 10 oir 12 years ago, we began having a big Christmas Eve party,  welcoming those around us who also would be spending the holidays without family.  It became our yearly service to others, our tradition--our way of not missing family so much.  This year, even that changes.  One of the families that has joined us every year since the beginning will not be attending.  Their family has changed - grandbabies have come along and daughters-in-law have "say".  While I completely understand, it causes us sadness.

The party will continue this year, at least for one more time.

This weekend as I started putting up the decorations, and as I began preparing for decorating the tree tonight, I wondered why in the world I go to so much work?  It's not magical anymore as it once was.  When grandchildren do come along some day, they probably won't live near us.  Cue the violins....The pity party has begun.

As I begin entering this new phase of life, I don't really like it too much right now.  I have to search for new ways to cherish this time of year.  I don't know how to do that.  I must be really shallow.

Guess I'll have to WAIT a little while.

Something about September

I love September.  Fall is my favorite – too bad it is not my body’s favorite.  In the last few years the seasonal changes are toxic to me.  I can’t breathe well, therefore, I can’t really enjoy much of anything inside or outside.  At least I can see the Fall colors through the windows when they start to change.

The last three Septembers have not been the best for me.  Three years ago, my son left for college – that was SOO tough, and I was soo sick (almost hospitalized, not just sick in the head)!  Two years ago, having a missionary away was still new and difficult.  One year ago, Les was far away before it was her time to be far away. 

Okay, so now I am wondering why I still say that Fall is my Favorite!!

This one is different.  While my son is off to college after a brief stay at home after the mission, I am okay with him being where he is. It is his time.  His whole life is before him.  What a wonderful thing!  No one in our family is far away from home before his/her time. Things are good – if my asthmatic lungs will let me catch a breath, before it all changes, then that will be great.

Beyond that, I am trying to figure out:

~Who is there to hire to help with a good bit of water damage in the basement, which I just recently discovered.  Mold, mildew, smell.  Good times. I am not sure how that snuck by me unnoticed, and frankly, it is embarrassing.  And, it is certainly not helping my asthmatic airways.

~How do I parent a R.M. college son?  I have no idea. 

~I love technology – I bought the new Outlook 2007 so I could sync calendars with family, with myself on my Blackberry (NEVER ever thought I would have one of those, and I am not sure I love it yet – and what I really want is an Iphone…ha).  It is time-consuming to learn and today it keeps CRASHING on me.   I am thinking a paper calendar is much simpler.   Why can I not choose simple??

~There is so much work to be done to this 16-year-old home.  I don’t know where to start.  Hubby works too many long hours to be much help.  I am cheap and don’t want to spend money on it.  We should have done more sooner – thus the water damage.  That feels pretty stupid, too. 

~I am thinking of ending this blog.  My purposes in starting it have changed.  I have my new one, but not too many are reading  it yet…..WHAT?  No one wants to read about political thoughts and news stories?  Tsk Tsk.  Can’t sit around and watch it go on anymore. 

~And, what do I now do with Brian’s missionary blog?  I have already been downloading it for a Blurb Book.  Do I just make it private now or delete it?

I’d love ideas on any of the above.  I have now exposed myself to my insecurities, obsessions, and lack of motivation.  Don’t sue me.  I’m too cheap to pay for it.

Unexpected Blessings from Unwelcomed Chaos

Brian left for Ydaho this morning.  Barely.  Barely made it.  NOT his fault.  I dutifully printed off his boarding pass yesterday, being the organized mom that I claim to be (notice I didn't say that I AM).   I have had it in my head for weeks that his flight was at 9:50.  However, it was not.  It was at 9 O' CLOCK!!! Unbelievable.

I decided to check the flight status this morning -you know, to make sure it was leaving on time.  I went into shock as I read the correct time over and over and over.  And OVER.   Richard left very early for work - he was not here to add to the craziness help.   Les was getting ready for school - she goes on auto-pilot and does a great job with that.  However - two concerns haunted me. 1 - with her Aspergers, she often does not adapt well to sudden chaos and can become very "disregulated" emotionally.  And 2 - one of her learning challenges causes her to have difficulty paying attention to the clock.  Realizing that she would have to do all that without my grand leadership, would she be ready for the bus and get to it on time?  Sound like excuses?  Nope - it's the reality of our lives.  

We sped through all the roundabouts (annoying), farm roads and freeways.   I swore under my breath at the people in my way.  Did I say "Swore"?  I called Rich at work and cried to asked him if he could leave work and go ahead of us to the airport - maybe see if he could pave the way with Southwest.  I had this grand illusion that if they were expecting Brian to be late, they might be ready to help us.  Brian had a lot of luggage - it would be tough for him to make it alone, and I wouldn't have time to park the care to assist him.  I felt SOOOO horrible.  

Richard made it.  He worked magic.   Martha at Southwest was a Queen.  I love you, Martha.  Leslie rose to the occasion, no feathers ruffled.   Brian made it through security without a hitch.  They boarded the flight a little late so he still had time.  Now if his luggage makes it on that flight....

My grown up son never got nasty with at me - he was frustrated, as he should be. He had every right to be yelling and screaming.  He never spoke in anger or got ruffled.  He offered encouraging words (and a little back-seat driving) all along the way.  

My 17 year old daughter proved me wrong yet again.  She did what needed to be done and showed me that she has grown in leaps and bounds. 

My husband dropped everything and came to our rescue.  He never got mad at me - only showed compassion for my frustration and my embarrassment, and for my tears.  I love him.

 

Blessings, blessings, blessings.  Heavenly Father is good.  I learned from this.

And now I need to take a nap and maybe eat a little chocolate - whew. 

He's Home

Unspeakable peace, immeasurable joy, huge parent pay-off.

Blessings.

Missionary Mom Moments

Today as I stood in my returning missionary son’s bedroom, checking it over and over to see if it is now ready to welcome him out of his Spiritual World and back into “real life”, so many questions, memories, and emotions flooded my mind and heart.

Do his “civilian” shirts in the bulging closet still smell like his cologne? Will he still want those shoes? Is he going to be a NEAT FREAK now (….ha – fooling myself on that one)? Will he be thrilled to see his stack of dvds and cds and sports poster collection? How will his bed feel to him when he sleeps there again for the first night home? Will we stay up late at night learning all we can about the last two years of his life? How much older will we look to him? How much older will he look to us? Can he adjust to the changes his parents and sister have had to make because of the unexpected challenges thrown our way?

How long will he yearn for the people he has grown to love?

Is his testimony now solid enough to aid him in enduring what lies ahead?

Being a returned missionary myself, I know he will feel a little lost and alone for a while. When I came home after my mission, I couldn’t even pick out shoes for myself so I dragged my friend Michelle along with me to the mall. I was pretty depressed during my first semester back at BYU. I of course don’t want him to face that. Yet, it is likely that he will to some degree.

We have encouraged him at every opportunity to throw himself into “the work”, to give it everything he had. We carefully selected our words and our stories in our letters. We bore testimony and spoke of gratitude for his service, for we knew of the blessings that have come to our family because of his service. We paid close attention to details to be sure we were not adding to the possibility of “trunkiness”. With that comes the fact that coming home may be a lot harder to adjust to than if we had not been so careful with our words. Is that so bad? I don’t think so.

I would still choose it the same way. Still….I fret a bit.

As I stood in there today, the transformation from temporary storage room back to his bedroom nearly complete, I could not really define the feelings so close to the surface. Standing in there two years ago, all I felt was loss and sadness. How would I get through two years of walking by that room, a hundred times a day, without completely falling apart? Did I teach him ENOUGH? Of course I was thrilled that he had chosen to serve the Lord full-time in His army, but as a mother – my heart ached for my baby boy. It was a similar ache to what I felt when he left for his freshman year of college. Two years ago, though, I knew he would not come home as a college kid ever again, really.

Now he would be a man.

Only 9 days away from his return, I wonder where the time has gone, his room preserved as it had been for years. Does it now seem like he just left? In some ways, admittedly, yes, it does.

In MOST ways, it was a very long two years.

More questions took over my mind about his future - How will I let him leave us again in a few short weeks to return to school? Next time he comes home, will he have met his future eternal sweetheart? Once he leaves again, it won’t be the same – ever. He is a man now. He will be ready to start his own full life of excitement, challenge, love, money- managing and earning, difficulties, sadness, progress, and at times, triumph!

In spite of all those racing thoughts, I stopped to realize that truly, honestly, I am happier than I have been in months and months. And, what a blessing it is to always be his mom.

What will HE teach US now? I can’t wait to find out.

Symbols and Signs

She's home.

My adorable, bright and dear daughter is now back home and hopefully not leaving for a very long time. For any new readers who happen upon here, Les has been in a boarding school in Utah for 14 months. You can read more about it in this post.

The school gives each girl a very special farewell ceremony.

Here are some highlights:

This is the "cradling" ceremony. The departing student chooses two songs which she feels describe her, define her, and reflect her experience in changing her life. Leslie chose, "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas, and "Extraordinary", by Mandy Moore. Great choices - find the lyrics and you'll see why. During this ceremony, the music is played while the girl is gently lifted and rocked by all those around her who love her - the other students and friends and staff, teachers, therapists, and parents are now again at "the head". Significant in numerous ways.

The "graduating" student also makes a stepping stone filled with items that reflect who she is, what her journey has been, hopes for the future, etc. She shows each item and tells what it means to her and what it symbolizes.

And then it is put into the cement!

Here is her finished stepping stone, or "head stone" as the girls
affectionately(?) call it:

That evening, we met up with most of the Utah Tait family for a little dinner and celebration of her being on her way home.

The "Good to Go" sign is very significant, don't you think?

We visited family in Vegas and also in Arizona. My sister in law, Darlene, had this displayed in front of her house:

This year we have learned many therapeutic words and phrases. One of those phrases is called "getting back to baseline", which means that you are taking a few minutes to be calm, relaxed and ready to discuss anything. For example, if we are having an important discussion and one of us is getting riled up or upset, another family member says, "ok, take a minute to get back to baseline and then we will continue". The discombobulated person then takes a moment, a time-out if you will, to self-regulate and be calm.

Well, in Mesa, there is a prominent street named Baseline. While out with my nieces, we all thought it would be very appropriate to take Leslie's photo on Baseline to prove that she knows how to get there! Ah, the irony!

Yep, she's there. For now.

Upon arriving back in good old Merry Land, we happened upon this:

Thanks, K, for the sign.

We have been through countless thoughts and emotions over the past week. We feel grateful to our Heavenly Father for the blessings that come after the storm, and especially those that come DURING the torrential rain. We know more storms will come - in one way or another.

For now, though, the symbols and signs show us that some sun is here
for a while.

Excuse me while I bask in its brilliance.

The Day My Whole LIfe Changed

One year ago today, my whole life changed. One year ago today, I was in a place I never wanted to be nor ever expected to come my way. One year ago today, I didn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other. Today, I am ready to put it all out there.

One year ago today, our 16-year-old sweetheart of a daughter decided she didn’t want to live any more. She felt hopeless, alone, confused, distressed, and very anxious. How did we get there? I was standing in a hospital emergency room being rushed to the back because we knew the secret phrase of the day - “ our daughter is feeling suicidal”.

Our sweet Leslie, whom we had prayed for and waited and longed for for so many years, had always had challenges - more than should have understandably been hers. Adopted as an infant, our hopes and dreams for her future were bright, full of promise and love and holy things. As she began to toddle and interact and learn, we got glimpses of challenges that might be in her path. A handful of adults seemed to “get” her, finding pint-sized friends was challenging, and any invitations were few and far between. I was often frustrated myself, day-to-day, dealing with her “strong-willed” style and lost my temper more times than I’d like to ever admit. Primary and most church situations were often frustrating. Even as early as preschool, the pangs of rejection stabbed at my heart, as I knew in my soul that one day, she would feel that, too. I did all I could for many years to protect her from that. One day, and I don’t know when, the ability to do that ran short. The real world slapped her in the face. And on this day, it all slapped too hard and it was too much.

A couple of very intuitive teachers in elementary school noticed things here and there that troubled them in regards to her learning – difficulty counting things one to one, trouble with transitions, challenges with written directions, happy to play alone, hyper-focusing on certain subjects, trouble working in groups, crying easily, few friends, amazing memory and verbal skills which didn’t match work production. I noticed more – reversing letters and numbers, fascination with certain things that she wanted to take apart or tear up, always trouble transitioning, little eye contact.

Any testing at school always came back “normal”. She could do amazing things on tests when she was one on one with the tester. “OH, she is totally fine! She will be FINE”, they would say. I knew otherwise and began my own research.

We decided it was time for neuropsychological testing and forked out the big bucks to Kennedy Krieger, the “experts”. WOW – they are with Johns Hopkins – they will HAVE to be right!! At age 9, they diagnosed her with Ad/hd. “See how ANXIOUS she is? Bouncing around my office? Of course she has Ad/hd.” No, that was not the full answer. We had suspected Aspergers Syndrome, a neurobiological disorder “OH, no”, the experts said. “That is definitely not it. “

The idea of Aspergers, however, never left me completely.

They were wrong.

During Leslie’s THIRD hospitalization for suicide ideation last Spring (that’s one of the MANY psychological and therapeutic terms we are dripping with now) I woke up one morning and checked my email. I had subscribed to on online LDS magazine for quite some time, and honestly rarely read the stuff due to lack of time and sometimes lack of interest. On this morning, things changed. The home page had article, which is written by an adult LDS man with Aspergers and the challenges he faced growing up. I read it and after every sentence I knew in my heart, “THIS is Leslie’s life”. The Holy Spirit overwhelmed me and I just knew. I immediately went to the local library to find the books cited in the article – even in our little po-dunk town, those books were there. I read and read and put sticky notes on every page that had something that described my baby girl. There were at least 30 of them.

We knew. Now we had to find some experts who would know and then help us to know what to do next.

We found some great experts – they tested, they confirmed, they wrote the HUGE reports, and they helped. Now what? What we were doing to help her here, even now that we knew the facts, was not enough. Therapy and medications we were using were not helping. We were getting quite desperate searching for answers.

We asked many loved ones, relatives and “church family” to fast with us as we approached more serious decision-making. Through fasting, prayers offered by so many in our behalf, and by telling others close to us about our challenges, the Lord answered our prayers and led us to those who could help, and He led those with ideas and resources back to us.

The hardest thing we have ever done as parents was to leave our dearest “Bug” in Utah at the right place for her at the time. She needed to be at a location for further diagnosis, at a place that could keep her safe, and that would help us find the next step. The Lord guided us to the right one. He sustained us as we got on that plane and flew back home – without her. He then held our hands while searching once again to what was needed next – a small therapeutic boarding school for girls like her also located in Utah.

Leslie has been living away from home since May 5^th of 2008. We have seen her many times, talk to her on the phone frequently, and she has been home for visits. She is now making amazing progress. She is having to work harder at things that most teenaged girls never dream of, even most adults. She is learning to understand her diagnosis and starting to understand and accept herself. We all have more work to do. Richard and I have had almost a year of “empty nesting” way too soon. We are nearly buried under more debt that we ever thought we would have. As parents we are learning all new ways to parent – in ways that will give her more of what she needs to grow into who Heavenly Father has plans for her to become. We know He walks with her and holds her hand as he has for us. We will make it as we are now able on most days to put one foot in front of the other, using baby steps, and some days even great big ones.

You can read about Aspergers Syndrome here.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Do any of you wait until December to come up with ideas of things to make for people for Christmas? I do. I used to obsess over it for months and months - I call those my "Wonder Woman" years. For me, trying to make homemade things for everyone on my list became too overwhelming when my kids were little. I was trying to "keep up" with my very creative friend who had 4 kids under the age of 5 and seemed to do it ALL with such ease. I was not one of those people, and the holidays became very stressful for my whole family. I finally wised up before it was too late and understood my own limits much better. So, I spent many years not making anyone anything. Now that my kids are older, I am again interested in stressing myself out and making things for people. I found this great blog somewhere today (sorry, I don't remember where!!). This blogger pulls ideas from a bunch of other blogs posting about things to make! LOVE it - just what I needed. It seems to all be in one place. Just click on her labels that interest you.

We'll see if I can finish my first-ever quilt in the works for my daughter ( SHHHHH!! Don't tell her - it's a surprise!), and make a few other things as well. If not, I will go to back to plan B.

Age before... what, I forget....

I have decided this week that I am old. So, on a more lighter note than politics, here are my thoughts.

You know you are old when:

~Your newest hobby is quilting (sorry, Carrie – I know you started WAY before you were my age now)

~Your other newest hobby is Family History

~You have to go buy expensive “Ott-Lites” so that you can see well enough to adequately participate in the aforementioned hobbies

~it is also very important to have numerous “reading” glasses all over the house – to also aid in the participation of the aforementioned hobbies, preferably purchased for $1 each

~those same glasses are needed when you substitute-teach, or teach Gospel Doctrine (said glasses were NOT needed back in the “day” of teaching full-time)

~you have advice for pretty much anyone in any circumstance if they will listen to you, or even if they won’t

~you think, “WHAT is this younger generation thinking about politics – or are they? (OH, wait – dang, I said I wasn’t going to talk about politics – SEE? I am old and I forgot already!)

~your husband has more gray hair than he has brown ones (I may be old, but I am NOT gray yet – thank you, ancestors)

~can’t eat late at night or you can’t sleep

~can’t sleep in anymore, so you might as well get up and have breakfast

~you fear you have become your grandmother because you watch tv in a Lazy Boy and mute the commercials. AAAAAAAHHHH!

~most of your friends have grandkids, so you think up cool names for when you are a grandma – Grammy Dee, Abuelita, just NOT Grandma

~your number of prescription medication bottles is growing

~your nieces already staked their claim on your heirloom jewelry - NOW

~you at first thought Facebook was pretty cool, but now… you aren’t so sure

~you still say “cool”

~you daily wish for do-overs, and think back to all the parenting mistakes you made and fleeting precious moments gone, and want to tell all parents of little ones to ENJOY every second.

~Oh, wait – I did just tell you that. It’s all good then.

Who Has a 20-Year Old??

I am not longer the mother of a teenage son - Elder T.'s 20th birthday was today! So, instead of making him a cheesecake, or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cake, or a Batman cake, or a Spiderman cake, or a Pokemon cake, or a Phoenix Suns cake, or......(Well, those are the main ones I remember - and they were gorgeous if I do say so myself) whatever, I mailed him a cake mix with canned frosting (ew - yes, I am a frosting snob) so he could make his own cake today. I think I now have 20 years of worry-wrinkles on my face to prove it all - and grateful for everyone of them.

I hope the next 20 years are the best yet for him, and for me.

Full Circle Mother's Day

I have always had many mixed thoughts and emotions about Mother’s Day. I would say that this “holiday”, more than any other, brings on a variety of feelings to most women depending on what season of life you happen to be in. While currently being thrust into a season of my life that I did not expect for a few more years, I am pondering Motherhood quite deeply these days.

Since today I cannot be with most of my loved ones, whether they be far or whether they be in the Spirit World, I decided to decorate myself with reminders of them. Today I wear my mother’s beautiful ruby and diamond heart ring, and a tiny Navajo turquoise and sterling silver ring that my dear grandmother gave to me. On my wrist I wear a beaded crystal and silver bracelet that my daughter made, and my Eagle Scout mother pin on my shirt. And, even though I am with my dear husband today, I wear some lovely diamond stud earrings that he gave me for an anniversary a few years ago. These simple yet dear items envelope me in memories and warm thoughts of past years and precious moments gone by.

During the long wait for children to arrive to us, I skipped many a Sacrament Meeting on Mother’s Day. Even though I knew I would hear lovely talks focusing on “all women” being Mothers, I just couldn’t take it. When my children were little and I was feeling overwhelmed and tired, I didn’t skip the meeting, but endured hearing about all the wonderful mothers in the room and felt that I did not measure up to any of them. Today, definitely a little older and hopefully slightly wiser, I appreciated the words of the youth speaker, a mother of adult children, a young father, and of our dear bishop. Their words touched my heart and lifted me – is that because of my “season”?

My mom used to tell me that” what goes around comes around”. Today seemed like a “full circle” day in my life.